Watching You from my window
by xxxsilverangelxxx
Summary: A tale of regaining lost love, reflecting on how things once were and living how things turn out to be.
1. Reflections

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot**

**Reflections**

Seeing you again. Not as close as I'd like, but instead I'm watching you from my window. You are walking around the lake with, surprise surprise, Potter and the two Weasels. 

  You are talking animatedly to them, laughing, joking, like you haven't a care in the world. Not that you'd have any. Why should you?

  When, at the start of term feast today, Dumbledore called your name out as head girl nobody was surprised, you've always been perfect, haven't you? Chris Herald, of Ravenclaw house, is head boy. You like him, don't you?

  And to cap it all, you and your two best friends: the wonderful Harry Potter, the boy who bloody lived, and the 'courageous' Ronald Weasley, from one of the poorest wizarding families around, who the school so fondly refers to as 'the dream team' have decided to train as aurors when you leave school in a years time. No, not a care in the world. But you will.

  Like I have. And I have only myself to blame for them I know. Last year. I remember when we split up, three months before sixth year ended. I said to you that the whole year had been a waste, that I must have been insane to have spent a year secretly seeing a mudblood. How I regretted those words, and over the summer I found it hard to justify the reasons why I left you. They were, I assure you, good reasons at the time. I was preparing to be initiated as a deatheater. I had always been taught to be devoid of emotions- they were for the weak, they dragged you down. And there I was, in love. With you. A muggle born. The scum of the earth, or so I was told.

  So, I could not stay with you. And had to surrender everything that came with loving you, trust, love, loyalty. Being a deatheater was all I wanted to be- my family wanted me to be. All I could do was tell myself that what were we, but a couple of sixteen year olds who thought themselves to be in love? Soon, however I realized that I was wrong, I loved you, no matter what I told myself, all I wanted now was you. However, I had already hurt you too much. Still, it was too late, every time I saw a muggle being tortured, I thought of you, and what if one day It were you-there-being tortured. By my own hands. You taught me how to love. You showed me the light.

  So, I walked away from the dark side, turned my back on it and joined the light. For you, simple as that, being a death eater was what I aspired to, and then all I wanted – want- is to be good enough for you. I apparated to Professor Snape – a deatheater who joined the light side, like, now I think of it, me. Only I was never a deatheater. I told him that I had left the dark side, and how I wished to become an auror. God knows we need them, now that Lord Voldemort and his minions are getting ever stronger and more powerful. I am glad that I will be fighting with you if it comes to war, and not against you. At first Snape was suspicious that I had been sent as a spy for the dark side. I believe he gave me some Vertasium and asked me if I really wished to join the light and become an auror, for honest reasons, not because I was sent as a spy. Matters of the heart are honest reasons, are they not? When I replied yes, he seemed pleased and immediately sent for Professor Dumbledore. We informed him of my intention of becoming an auror, and he seemed well pleased.

  However, my father and family were not at all pleased. Hell, my father was furious. However, I was not disinherited. That is not the Malfoy way. No, I think he would- will- try to kill me. So, obviously I could not return to the manor. Instead, I took the liberty of taking some money out of my vault at Gringotts (I have a lot of my own money) and checked into a hotel for the remainder of the holidays.

  So here I am, on my first day of seventh year. On the light side. I am not nice, no, I'm still the same bastard I always have been…but I'm not evil thanks to you. Believe me, I will still take pleasure in tormenting Potter, Weasel and you…yes, even you. You were always the only person who was clever enough to argue with me, retort quickly, the only person who didn't use fists in a fight. We always argued, even when we were together. You brought out the best _and_ worst in me. It was always fun to argue with you. It was fun to see you angry. But in last three months the arguments we had were full of hate. You hated me for what I did to you.

  I have requested that Dumbledore and Snape say nothing of my changing sides – you will probably only find out when we are together training to be aurors. And, after all, I am still in Slytherin and most of the people in this house have at least some relative who is a servant to Lord Voldemort. My father, I am sure, will have prevented any death eaters from talking of my not joining their ranks. He always hated being embarrassed. And even if I am now 'of the light' I still enjoy being a Slytherin. Why shouldn't I? My friends are all here, Blaise and the rest of them. Even Pansy, who contrary to popular belief has never been my girlfriend. I have not informed them of my switch to the light obviously, but have merely said I did not feel ready to be a deatheater. I have not even said anything to Blaise, even though he has become one of my closest friends over the past 2 years. Crabbe and Goyle, who although useful in the first few years of Hogwarts are no longer necessary. I am more than capable of defending myself. You must remember that despite everything, I have only changed sides, not who I am.

  And as I sit watching you, I suddenly wonder what was the point. Not for the first time today, either. I changed sides for you. On the last day of term you gave me back a necklace, which I had given you, one you had said you would not take of until you no longer loved me. I thought it was just you, angry, trying to show me you didn't love me anymore-pretending. Pretending you didn't love me. How I wish that were true. But it's not. In the three months after our split, you grew friendly with a Hufflepuff, Tim Mallings. He asked you out on the last day of term. The day you returned the necklace. You've been seeing him over the holidays, haven't you? And it was him you kissed when you returned from collecting your head girls badge at the feast tonight. That was the first I knew of you…and him. It should have been me who you kissed. But you no longer love me. And then I remember why I did all this. I miss holding you, kissing you, the stolen glances in the corridors. I _love_ you. And I hate you. How could you? Don't you know what you mean to me? How could you?

  And as night falls, I watch you and your friends return to the castle. You are probably returning to _him. But, I swear to you, one day you __will love me. You will._


	2. Hating

Disclaimer: I own nothing Hating 

I look over to Harry and Ron, who are by the fire playing chess. Do they never tire of playing the game? Ron appears to be beating Harry, as usual. They've still not done their homework, even though I've kept reminding them that they don't want to get behind on their second day back.

 I've done all my homework, naturally, and I did all my extra reading on each subject over the holidays, so now I sit, reading on a chair close to Harry and Ron. All my classes went well today, how could they not? When I looked at my timetable at breakfast this morning, I found that the Gryffindors have Transfiguration, Herbology and History of Magic with the Hufflepuffs. Which is perfect. It means I can sit with Tim. My boyfriend. Yes, my boyfriend. Must have been a shock to you when you saw me kiss him, yesterday, at the feast. After I'd been made head girl. I love him. It hurt you, I think, when you saw me kiss him. Can't face the fact I'm over you? Because I am. _I am. _But you hurt me worse, all those months ago. You chose being a deatheater over me, how could you? At least you're happy now, doing what you've always wanted to.

  On Friday we have Potions and Defense Against the Dark Arts with the Slytherins. With you. And it will be hard. I know I saw you after our split… but on Friday it will be the first time you see me since last term. Since I started dating Tim. Since I returned my necklace. The symbol of our love. Every time I've seen you since we split up, my hand goes top my neck, to hold the necklace. But I don't have it anymore. I gave it back to you. On the last day of term. The day Tim asked me to be _his_ girlfriend. The day I said yes. I gave it back to you. I couldn't very well wear the symbol of my love for one man while dating another, could I?

  I remember when you gave it to me. A silver heart on a silver chain. It seems so long ago. It was when we were walking in the grounds, late one night, for we wanted no one to catch us, together. No one ever knew of our affair. No one ever will. We had come across an enchanted garden, and you gave the necklace to me then, under the moon lit sky. You told me you loved me.

  Liar. You left me instantly the day you were told to start preparing to become a deatheater, about 3 months before the end of the year. You threw all we had away in a moment. You never cared for me, did you? I was just another girl to you. That was all. Nothing special. The moment we slit up we started arguing. Our arguments full of hate and malice. Funny, how you can go from loving someone to hating them. You brought up the name 'mudblood' again. Something you hadn't called me for many months.

  You are now one of Voldemorts favorite deatheaters no doubt, like your father. I'm surprised Professor Dumbledore still allows you to attend Hogwarts. It's no secret your family come from a long line of Deatheaters.

  Do you know how badly you hurt me? You lying, cheating b-

"Hey, Herm, we're going to bed now, ok? See you in the morning," Harry's voice rings out from in front of me.

"Wha-yeah, night," I reply, startled.

"NIGHT HERM," Ron bellows from the other side of the common room.

"Night," I call out as the two disappear up the stairs to the boys dormitories. 

  So, on Friday, I shall see you. Different to how you were last year. For now you have a black mark on your arm. _I hate it. And I hate you._ Anyway, what do I care? I've got Tim. I love him. I _love_ him. _Of course_ I love him. 

~

A/N: thanks to sushie-chan and ~s~ who reviewed the story.   


	3. Friday

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing

**A/N:** A pretty uneventful chapter, but it will get better, I promise

Friday 

So. It's Friday. Potions and Defense Against the Dark Arts with the Gryffindors. With you. Damn. Ever since we split we've been acting like enemies again. As if 6th year never happened. Fine, if that's how _you _want it.

  I step into the potions lesson 5 minutes late. Snape doesn't even look at me. I can see Potter and Weasley start muttering, no doubt about the unfairness of Snape's favoritism. Tough. And then I see you. My breath catches in my throat for a moment. You're sitting next to them. Telling them to be quiet, or something. You don't even look at me. You no longer love me, and you've forgotten about me already. Shit. 

  I sit in the back row, next to Blaise and Pansy. Snape's in the middle of telling the class about a project which will need to be handed in on Halloween. We are to work in pairs researching a potion that he will assign to us. He will inform us of our pairs next week. Blaise turns to me. He is sure we will be paired together. Now, though, we are to brew an invisibility potion. Snape is barking out instructions. I can see you furiously scribbling down notes. _You_ would. I don't bother. It's not like it's hard. Anyway, Snape won't mind. We work solidly for another hour. I have my back turned to you, so I did not look at you again. Soon, our potions are finished, but we have no time to test them. As soon as you can, you leave, talking hurriedly to Potter and Weasley.

  I now have Transfiguration with the Ravenclaws. Bloody bunch of know-it-alls. I'm surprised _you _weren't put in that house. Your sort of people, they are-not muggle borns, well, not _all _of them-but people who always get good grades, get on with the teachers, need I say more? The rest of the lessons pass quickly, and soon lunch is over and I am headed towards the 2nd lesson of the day with the Gryffindors- Defense Against the Dark Arts. We have a new teacher, as usual, a Professor Lakeland. He seems…interesting. He insists we sit in alphabetical order. Crap. Since there is no one whose sur-name begins in either N or O, I have to sit next to Potter. On his other side Pansy sits. A Gryffindor sat between two Slytherins. How…pleasant for him. Blaise is next to the Weasel. You're next to Finnigan. I only know because your name is next to his in the register. I try to avoid looking at you, but my eyes are always drawn back to you, as if by force. The more I look at you, the more confused I feel. Memories of loving you, kissing you, talking to you flood my mind, and of why I changed sides-_for you_. And then conflicting memories of hating you up to 5th year, of all the harsh things we've said, and of you and Tim Halling, _together._

  Lakeland is telling us about a number of illegal curses. For the 2nd time today I find myself not paying attention. I _know_ all of these curses, how to block them _and_ how to cast them. My father taught me all of them in preparation to become a deatheater. Potter is listening to the effects of the curses with an expression of horror and disgust on his face. I snigger silently to myself. What would he say if he knew I knew how to perform all of these curses?… He'd probably go running to tell you and the weasel. That, Potter would say, proved that I was a deatheater. Stupid bastard. And you would believe him, simply because you don't know better. As far as you know, I am a deatheater. You all think that, except the Slytherins, who _aren't_ going to say anything. Should be a shock for you next year.

~

**A/N2: **thanks to:

Sushie-chan: creepy…how? 

**DracoLegolasOliver r sexy: **cool pen name

**Arch Scorpion: **did you really add me to your favorites?

**DracoNmione: **thank you for reviewing

Thanks to all of the above for reviewing! Sorry this chapter is a little boring, but it will get better! Thanks again for reviewing.

xxxsilverangelxxx 


	4. Apology from Author

Ok, I'm really sorry I haven't posted for ages. I'm thinking about postponing this story for a while to work on another fic (Herm and Draco!). I will continue to write this, maybe after Christmas, and in the meantime watch out for my other story (title still undecided).

xxxsilverangelxxx


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